Poetry Corner

Poet’s Corner

Selected odes…

Familiar thoughts

I’ve been here before

You seem familiar too

Yes, I know you

You’re deja vu

Cats talk

Cats don’t meow at other cats

only at me and you

So when a cat says “meow”

what he means is “How do you do?”

Carnivore

Meat is not murder

as vegetarians opine

but I like veggies

washed down with a good red wine

Balding blokes

Blokes who are going bald

should admit

that with a parting just above your ear

and a few strands of hair

combed over your bald bit

you look a right tit

Deprived childhood

When I was young

we couldn’t afford to buy clothes

so mum used to knit me stuff

which I hated

so I used to go out

in the buff

Soho

Walking around Soho

a girl came up to me

and said she’d show me a good time

for twenty quid

so I paid her

and she did 

Soho too

A girl said to me

that for twenty quid

I could have some fun

I said I didn’t have twenty quid

so she said okay

and that for a fiver

I could have her mum

How to swear in front of your teacher and get away with it

Our teacher took us to London Zoo

Are Soles kept there sir?” I asked on the way

“Does your wife mind that you work?

or does it bug ‘er that you’re out all day?”

Drinker

Life can be depressing

especially working every day

in the square mile

so at night I get drunk

and the pain goes away

for a while

The difference between cats and dogs

When a dog wags his tail

he’s saying “I love you and thankyou for the bone”

When a cat wags his tail

he’s saying “Would you please piss off and leave me alone”

The difference between cats and dogs 2

When you’re putting up shelves

your dog will watch you with loving looks

The cat will have left

to find somewhere else to put his books

Bitch

I know a girl who’s a real bitch

I hate her and her ilk

When it’s my turn to get the drinks

I ask if its coffee she wants

or a saucer of milk

Relationships

Commitment really scares me

After sleeping with girls I meet

its always the same for breakfast

Hot toast and coffee, cold and itchy feet

Fag break

When I need to collect my thoughts

and wonder what life’s all about

I smoke a fag

then put it out

Asking someone out

“I like you a lot

I think that’s plain to see

so would you consider

being the current Mrs me?”

Hot Curry

I don’t like blokes who think

that eating Vindaloo

makes them look hard and well-hung

I know a cheaper way

of inflicting pain on yourself when you eat

Stick your fork through your tongue

The Sun

People who read The Sun

tend to be men aged 16 to 41

who like girls 36-24-31

They like a paper that’s “fun”

that they can read from twelve till one

with tea and a currant bun

where there’s a pun in every heading

to improve their standards of Reading

The difference between cats and dogs 3

If you fancy a walk

you can take your doggy

A cat walks alone

by himself

Ever the independent moggy

How to get rid of telephone sales people

The phone rings and I pick it up

A woman tells me that I can have seven windows for the price of one

I say “I’ll just get the home-owner”

and place the receiver next to the phone

I finish my dinner

and when I return she’s gone

I have my own problems

I try to think of others

and I try to be kind

Sometimes though

it’s me that’s on my mind

Am I good in bed? (version 1)

I was with a girl and I wondered

if I’d be good in bed or not

Well, either I was

or she liked to agree a lot

Am I good in bed? (version 2)

I was with a girl and I wondered

if I’d be any good in bed

Either I was or she was just agreeing

with everything I said

Starting a new job in London

I need a brand-new whistle

and some nice new Peckham Ryes

Me plates of meat need shodding

I ‘ope me boat race fits

Me Barnett Fair needs sorting

Me Hampsteads need a clean

I ‘ope the Rosie’s nice and cheap

I ‘ope me boat race fits

I hope that there’s a Ruby house

and a nice close rub-a-dub

I ‘ope there’s pie and mash

I ‘ope me boat race fits

I ‘ope I don’t get Tom too much

And I don’t take any pony

I ‘ope I’ll make some Chinas

I ‘ope me boat race fits

How to tell you’re getting old

When I was younger

I was into Punk

and my parents

thought it odd

The other day

my mum bought a record

played it

and I liked it

Sod

Losing my cherry

I lost my cherry

on the ground

Fallen under a tree

face-down unable to make a sound

I felt someone enter

and later felt them go

Leave the park as people watched

what only I will ever know

The difference between cats and cars

Not many cats have windows

and not many cars have fur

When you stroke a car it’s not very likely

that it’ll purr

The difference between cats and cars 2

If it’s got wheels it’s probably not a cat

and if it’s got claws it’s probably not a car

It’s not a very good idea to fill a cat

with four star

PMT

The part of the female mind

that turns a perfectly innocent enquiry

into an argument, just like that.

Thus,

I: Would you like a drink dear?

She: Are you saying I’m fat!?

 

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