Up the Hill Backwards


I’ve spent most of this evening in McDonald’s with a couple of friends, as Wetherspoons is invariably rammed on a Friday.

A couple of people have questioned the wisdom of me spending time in a pub: a fair observation but I do so as it offers the longest (and latest) opening hours and I can resist the temptation to go mine hunting others’ abandoned drinks (and the opportunities are numerous). I’ve reduced my alcohol consumption to such an extent that I can sometimes simply go without. I need to be distracted (invariably by reading and writing) but I can do it now. Consequently my weekly outgoings have reduced and they will still further once I start getting evening meals in the Shelter centres.

In addition, M is helping me sort out the whole benefits thing, which was causing me such a sore (eventually buried) head. I’ll get a temporary care-of address via a church, which will allow me to start the benefits process. I’m still on Carer’s Allowand for both of my previous fiances but I don’t care for them anymore (I care about them but not in a physical capacity), so I need to cancel that. It will be replaced with an Earnings Suppliment something or other and Disability Allowance. I can’t claim Job Seeker’s as I’m unfit for work through alcohol dependance and depression. Once the new benefits are sorted out they’ll be back-paid and the payments I’ve continued to receive from Carers’ Allowance since I stopped caring will be deducted from the back pay. Then there’s Housing Benefit to sort out, with a view to getting somewhere permanent to live and start rebuilding things. Hills to climb, hoops to jump through and hurdles to jump but I have helping hands now with contacts in all the right places.

So just the weekend to get through in limbo. No CRI at all and no library on a Sunday. But then it’s pack up, put things into storage and move on early next week. Even though there was the whole debacle of the missed calls, I’ve been to Gateway in Tunbridge Wells before and as a result, I’m approved for Shelter.

Another good friend who follows this blog contacted me today. Just like the others who believe me and who believe in me, she’s been very generous with assistance: she’s putting credit on my phone and taking me out to dinner one night. I’m so grateful and lucky to have believers and supporters who remain: they’ll be the ones who see me on the other side.

I have been a victim of circumstance; I have told the truth throughout this: you couldn’t make it up and I haven’t.

It’s almost certain that I’ll never see my ex-parents and family again (and if they’d not instigated that one, I think I may have with hindsight) and the ex-fiance (the first one) has made it pretty clear that she’s moved on, although she’s being good enough to look after my things in the flat we shared until I’m back on my feet (furniture, books, CDs, DVDs, AV equipment etc.). The girlfriend (most recent fiance), I don’t know about; whether she’s an ex or not: she’s up North getting away from it all, taking a break and waiting for some dust to settle. She may return, she may not. I love her but I have to assume the worst and move on but not close the door.

I should have done what I’m about to already but circumstances prevented. It’s an uphill struggle and all being done arse about face but I’m getting there: up the hill backwards.

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