Below the Line

Although I’ve drawn a line under certain things, I have engaged with a couple of people today: people from the old life. Although that life is gone, in engaging with them the way I did, I almost think a greater mutual understanding is beginning to emerge. They’ve spoken with my key worker and everyone seems to be on the same page now: I fucked up (or things got fucked up) twice but this third attempt at recovery will work.
I’ve got my writing – my chosen path – and all concerned realise that it’s good therapy. And it’s not just the journal and the blog which I write; it’s poems and short stories, some of which are written in my capacity as writer-in-residence at the railway station.
Besides the therapy element though, as it’s my chosen path, the entrepreneur in me has re-emerged and my two websites are not only parked but – subject to a few transfers of code – hosted. I just need to build / design them. Until and are fully up and running, I’ve built a fairly decent presence on Facebook with the limited tools available to me. Given that more internet searches are conducted on Facebook than even Google, I figure this is a presence worth having. I just need more “Likes” and fans, then I’ll be permitted to assign the page its own Facebook web address. So “Like” it please. 
Gilbert House Publishing
We can read and write
Fiction, non-fiction, copyrighting, editing and proof reading. 
(Quite clever I thought).
The domains and hosting have been financed by the modest sum I made from the sale of the Telegaph vouchers on eBay. Unable to transfer PayPal funds to my bank account – for reasons known only to my bank it seems – I was limited to direct PayPal purchases. So the entrepreneur hat went on and here we go…

The point it is I didn’t (couldn’t; wouldn’t) spend the money on booze. It’s gone on things to aid my recovery and move me forward; to build my business / self-employment / sole-trader and realise an ambition.
So as well as being a vehicle for my own writing (this story when it becomes the novel, as well as short stories and poetry), “we” – as an organisation – offer freelance, out-sourced (I was always a master of out-sourcery when I ran my old business) writing for print and online; copyrighting, editing and proof-reading. Publishing too, which will naturally include printing: back to my roots.
Of course the life of a broke writer needs to be financed and until Gilbert House is making a return, that’s where the casual work comes in (Working in a kitchen and doing the dishes works wonders for the hands.) That and building the new venture are what’s occupying most of a 14-16 hour working day at the moment. I’m not shirking and although I’m far from dry, I’m drinking far less: I don’t have the time.
The re-awoken entrepreneur is also and always looking for other ways to make money and eBay is something which has suggested itself as something relatively easy and requires little investment (of finance but investment of time is crucial for success on eBay: I’ve done it before). There are a few little gems I’ve spotted in the many charity shops in Tonbridge, which I’m certain I can make a good margin on: a framed Monet canvas (not an original obviously, nor even a print) at £4.95: have it!. Re-selling can be very profitable if the buying and selling are done right.
Whilst at CRI today, I had a rare case of the waterworks when I spoke to some fellow clients about my kids. We’re all friends there and can talk about anything (it all stays in the room), so I let go. There’s something not quite right but at the same time reassuring about being hugged by a 6 foot 4 armed robber and a brick shithouse who’s done time for GBH. But it let the pressure cooker off. Kindred spirits; birds of a feather.
There are things I’ve lost; some of which I’ll never get back; some of which I don’t want back; others which I want back but there is work to do and bridges to build. And yet others which never went away. I don’t have much but what I have is my life; things I couldn’t be without: my notebook and pen, my keyring (the one with no keys on it as I lost the last four homes which I had keys to. The one which holds my armless Lego torch, nail clippers, a pen knife, my Poker Stars gold shark card protector, my Victorian letterpress “S” Monotype wooden printing block, my silver Monopoly hat and my dog tag with “Dad” spelt in Binary. No keys though), my library card and my kids. I’d give up everything for them but I’m rebuilding for them.
I’m well above my lowest ebb but the line I wish to cross is still a way off.
I’m rebuilding, below the line.

9 thoughts on “Below the Line

  1. The eBay posting was still up yesterday when you posted about using the funds to pay for the website. Why lie?
    You need to start being honest before people will trust you Fred.


      • OK. I’m sorry. I apologize for calling you a liar.
        I saw the proof you sent, and I retract my comment.
        Please understand where this came from. It came from friends who are trying hard to help you. I’m sorry.


  2. …and we are sort of on the same page in regards to your recovery. Your Key worker made it very clear that you had not bothered turning up to any of the appointments he had made for you, and you had not made efforts to detox.
    These have to be done before you start recovering. For your sake, I hope this time it works. Only time will tell.


  3. Whilst finding solace in your writing may be a good form of therapy for you, the publishing of your words at this stage in an open forum serves only to highlight the emotional state of mind of an alcoholic and, as such, will invite a response from people that you will not be happy with. As an alcoholic, it’s evident from your writing that you are in denial about how bad your situation is, that you are delusional about how others perceive your situation, and that you put far too much weight on your writing as the answer to your problems. Fred – you are not Don Juan and well balanced females do n


    • Not fall for your charm. The females taken in by you are themselves emotionally disfunctional. There is nothing attractive about a homeless alcoholic.

      You do not need to convince anybody else of anything. You do not need to ‘charm’ anyone or probe yourself. Your thoughts do not need to be published in an open forum at this juncture in order for them to act as therapy. The therapy is to be found in simply writing them.

      Your blog suggests that you are putting an awful lot of wright on your book being published. If this fails, what then? Whilst your focus in this respect is positive, it’s should not be the centre of your efforts at this stage. The majority of us out here see your words of a talented man who is clearly lost to the extent of bring delusional. You will not understand or see that right now. However, if you are successful with detox then you will hopefully see where we are all coming from when you emerge from the other side.

      Yes, write, continue with this as a form of therapy if that’s what works for you . However engaging in a detox program needs to be your primary concern. A transparent example if the fact that you are not progressing is your continued selfishness. You remark about how it upsets you not be able to see the children , but you fail to show any remorse or guilt as to how your circumstances actually affect them now and any long term damage that will foll


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