Moving on Out


Pretty much all of yesterday’s business which was hanging over me has been addressed or is being dealt with. Once I’m through this little chapter, I’ll explain.

I couldn’t stay in Tonbridge last night for reasons which may be revealed at a later date. Instead I stayed at an undisclosed location with a friend who’s an ex-Royal Marine. We got a free hot meal courtesy of a soup kitchen, along with overnight bags containing rolls, crisps, buns, cakes and fruit. We got virtually no sleep as we were up most of the night, talking and planning and we both had early starts this morning.

My mate’s issues and past make mine seem trivial by comparison and yet he remains almost permanently positive. I’ve suffered a good few losses lately but nothing on the scale of his. So he refills my glass to half-full, metaphorically.

My morning involved people in professional capacities, getting myself out of a sticky spot and arranging some practical things with the assistance of various organisations: a haircut (I’ll get my Mohawk back), shave, shower; laundry, hot meals (beef casserole and potatoes last night), temporary accomodation and general support. All for free: the morning was productive.

There are a busy few days ahead with travelling and moving things around but it’s all constructive.

Having spent the morning sorting things out, I returned to Tonbridge and to the library, where I’v been writing the journal. I’m now having a coffee break in McDonald’s, mainly because I need to wake up after last night’s sleep deprivation. Then it’s back to the library to send emails, among other jobs. Dinner with my Marine mate again later, then probably an early night. 

Tomorrow is when I finally get to make my presentation in the hope of gaining the grant for my netbook, which will allow me to spend more than the one hour computer time which the library permits daily.

On, up and out more tomorrow. 

4 thoughts on “Moving on Out

  1. No mention of the 31 year old girlfriend In the above blog….has that relationship fizzled out Steve?
    If so good, you really don’t need the distraction at the moment
    Good things come to those who wait


  2. Dear Steve.

    What has become of you? I have tried desperately to avoid this blog because of the hostility and fury it initiates, accelerates and propagates. Curiosity has, however, got the better of me and I’ve succumbed to it.

    I get it – it’s an internet blog, right? It doesn’t have to be entirely accurate; when was an accurate story ever an interesting one? It does have to be meaningful though, surely? Doesn’t it? It’s a question, not an instruction.

    The thing is old boy, there are a lot of people who have known you since before our balls dropped. People change in subtle ways as they age, but very rarely do they become entirely different people. I’m still an obnoxious, outspoken, bastard of a bloke. I have learned when that will get me into trouble and I can, with some effort, dampen it a bit; but when I know there are no consequences? I’m the centre of attention and woe betide any young whipper-snapper who thinks he can take on this old bastard.

    So, I don’t believe you are any different. Not in any form that would make my analysis of your blog any less meaningful and, Jesus Christ mate, from the very beginning of it I found myself poking holes in it. If I poke any more, the structure of this story you’re telling will not support its own weight anymore. It’s doomed to collapse.

    There are a lot of things in here that, frankly, disgust me. Whether you remembered your daughter’s birthday or not is surely moot? She didn’t see or hear from her Dad on her birthday and that really is entirely your own doing. Remember when you moved to Bexley? I said “Don’t fuck it up.” When you met Danielle, I said “Don’t fuck it up” – In both public and private forums, I have said to you time and time again “Don’t fuck it up” and the reason for that was not just so I could be glib. I fully accept that I message with barbed wire envelopes and play the glib card very well but I hold you entirely accountable. As you should hold yourself. What on earth is all this “I have an illness” crap about? Now, don’t misunderstand me … I’m an addict like yourself. I know that my neural network has restructured to demand substances. I know what it feels like when those synaptic responses misfire because the brain is making chemicals the genes don’t want to receive. I even refer to it as an illness myself … but, it’s an illness that I contracted of my own free will. I credit myself with a reasonable IQ but, if your published numbers were correct, I’m a few points behind you … so you have always known what you were doing. Fred … I asked you not to fuck it up and you fucked it up.

    With every “intervention”, things have got worse for you mate. You’re kicking back and screaming “you’re not helping me” and taking a very introspective view of it all. We are entirely independent. Words hurt for a while but, with all the shit you’ve been through? You’re not going to convince me that whatever conspiracy you believe is going on around you matters three fucks to you. You’ve been through worse.

    So, I finally get to my point, after a typical rambling preamble that you would expect from me. What are you going to do differently? You know your current method of developing strategies fails every time, right? You must know that. Your blog has a recurrent message; you want the comfort of a relationship – the companionship and you want to be in charge of a business again. I don’t think you even care if that business is profitable; you just miss the buzz of being in full control.

    You had to work your way up to Sales Director for someone else before that was possible and you seem to be following a continual motif of trying to meet someone and jump back into the CEO position.

    In other words mate, you have identified the precise moment when life started to go South (whether consciously or subconsciously) and you’re trying to do some Mario or Sonic the fucking Hedgehog leap back from where you are to where you were. That is unrealistic.

    I described myself as an addict; because at any time I could go back on all sorts of shit to make the stresses and strains that I don’t like about the World go away. Remember when Sue left me a couple of years ago? You were shocked, right? You seemed to be. Let me tell you, I had that coming. I ignored warnings about my drug taking because I was “functioning”. Fuck me, if I didn’t even tell her “I had an illness”

    I had been jumping between uppers & downers for a decade but I had an ultimatum. Withdrawal from benzodiazepines and opiates is fucking horrible. Awful. It scares me to think that I could have to go through it again. But, if the game is played properly, you only have to go through it once.

    My life returned, slowly, to the usual peaks and troughs that we work through. If I hadn’t acted upon this life-changing intervention; I would be in bad place now.

    So, when we both came to the same fork in the road, I took the pain and you didn’t and yet you have had more pain inflicted on you as a consequence than you will ever get from Detox.

    You are a selfish man (as am I for the readers who wonder who this rambler is) and that should work in your favour. It is better for you if you take the pain of detox. Detox yourself as close to death as you can handle. You will actually be some way from death (although it won’t feel like it) but carry on as you are and death will be a merciful relief and not far away either. I am going to out you as a fellow necrophobe. You are as shit scared of dying as I am; it haunts you as it does me. Not when you’re drunk (I was brave when I was stoned) but when you’re clear enough to be in touch with your very soul (if I could find a better metaphor, you know I would – I still don’t believe in a soul); you don’t want to die.

    So, well done on the laptop or whatever it is you have managed to get for free. Use it as a distraction to get clean as quickly as you can but put your business empire and future loves on hold until you have. Please. You have fallen a long, long way old friend. I stress the old because it would be difficult to honestly call you friend right now; but growing up, you and I were as close as brothers. So, old friend fits very well.

    I have asked you many times now … Don’t Fuck It Up. This is my final intervention Fred; I don’t want you to die, but if you do then you do. You have a difficult road ahead through detox but I urge you to accelerate it and take more pain until you are weeping like an infant; and then wait another hour before taking the smallest possible remedy.

    There’s no 2 paracetamol, rest up and you’ll be fine by Monday remedy here. I know you know that and I know that if it was easy you wouldn’t be living the way you are. I also know you’re shit scared of being deceased, that your funeral will be a loosely attended affair and you want all this horrible crap to go away. The price you must pay for that is to give up the demon drink, accept your “illness” isn’t cancer or multiple sclerosis … it wasn’t forced upon you and take responsibility for every future action.

    What is in the past, is in the past. Don’t go looking for forgiveness or trying to make amends; at least, not now. You’re not trusted. In fact, fuck the past. If time travel was possible then future Fred would have appeared whilst you were still Sales Director at wherever it was you were Sales Director at and he’d have given you a PowerPoint Presentation that would have made you swap StrongBow (or whatever you drink, I don’t know or care) for Apple Juice in a heartbeat.

    Everything you do from now on matters. Your slate will never be wiped clean; but you can put distance between what has happened and what can happen. You’re still young enough to put a significant distance between now and the future Fred. You won’t be forgiven and nobody will forget but; I think you can reclaim respect and dignity if you focus all of your attention on drying out. Painfully.

    I’ve said everything I want to say 8 or 9 times over now,

    I’ll check back in 6 months – If you’re not clean then you’re dead to me. So fucking what? I know. I’m not important but carry on the way you are the few people who are supporting you now – Jesus dude, you’ll be dead to them too.


    Gav Rickwood


    • The most constructive comment I’ve received and I take it on board, hence approving it as I haven’t those of others. I’ve had a catalyst recently – of fear – and I’ve moved forward as a result. Or I’m moving. Thanks for your words mate.


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