23.03.14 (Day 91)
McDonald’s. Lunchtime. Coffee. Etcetera.
Repetitive? It’s been said. Isn’t life? Mine is short-term but longer-term it’s been anything but. It’s been far from predictable lately with my place getting trashed: have I mentioned that?
There’ll hopefully be less repetition soon as next week I have a meeting with CAB (have I mentioned?) Also, I’m thinking of moving on (did I mention?)
I’ve obviously been in a “positive rut” that I’d created for myself, as some have accused me of doing (did I mention?) But I was treading water, or wading through treacle, thanks to all the help I’ve received. But I suppose the trashing of Gilbert House will be seen by some as a catalyst. It is: my signal to move on. My move has been forced, much like as in a game of chess. Have I mentioned that I play chess? Against Andrea? My Android? That I have a rating of around 1800? An IQ of 152?
Have I mentioned that I’ve taken on a role of kitchen tutor for the under-privileged in the churches in Tunbridge Wells? Have I mentioned that this may be because I’m just nice? Some think so, including the other volunteers and those whom we’re teaching to cook creatively with limited resources and ingredients in the lives they live.
I’m good at using whatever is available and rustling something up (have I mentioned that?). Have I mentioned that my ex-fiance, ex-girlfriend and my mum all told me when I left that they’d miss my cooking? And that they asked for my recipes? They couldn’t have them as I simply make things up as I go along.
(Did I mention that one of the many things that winds me up is an upward voice inflection, with a question mark placed after each sentence?)
I’m still in McDonald’s with the second one of my young friends who wished to speak to me. To talk to. I do that (have I mentioned?) Have I mentioned that I spend time in McDonald’s daily to make use of the free wi-fi? To work and research? And that the youngsters hang around me, rather than me hanging around with them? And that they gravitate towards me because I talk to them as many others wouldn’t? I afford them respect. And that I provide some sort of counselling; the sort that box-tickers can’t?
Have I mentioned that when I have things, I share them? And I don’t expect anything in return? That I buy food for the homeless? That I take people in? To my home? Then they steal from me and smash my home up but I forgive? That I go to church regularly?
Have I mentioned that I feel unappreciated, taken advantage of, abused, stamped on and beaten? But that I just smile and worry about others instead? That hoops and hurdles are placed in front of me, when I’d often be more grateful of some sand or a brick wall for my head?
Have I mentioned that I don’t sleep much? And that’s because I’m prevented from doing so, or I simply can’t? That often I lay awake at night and dwell on what I’ve lost? What I let go? How I beat myself up over all things lost? How my dis-functional brain just sometimes doesn’t work as most people’s do?
Have I mentioned the things I miss? The loves of my life and all of the things we had and did together? The lives I led, places I lived, people I shared them with and lost them all? The personal possessions stolen from me?
Have I mentioned that I’ve done work for charity? And received nothing? Have I mentioned that I’m going to do it again anyway? Last time it was Marie Curie and as I’d lost a friend to throat cancer, it seemed appropriate to lose my voice for a day. The next one is Hospice in The Weald for another friend: what to do that’s appropriate? Die?
Have I mentioned that the reason I’m often repetitive is that when I’m avoiding the friends I’m accused of conducting inappropriate relationships with (even though the police phone me as a known associate and I help to locate these people), it’s because I have time to myself and just jot down my repetitive thoughts.
Have I mentioned how many people who’ve come to know me are very kind and like me a lot? They help me out with small gestures of kindness. These are people who’ve got to know me recently. People who used to know me as I was don’t know me as I am now. I’m changing.
I’m moving on. Again.
And have I mentioned my holiday? I’ve chosen a city: watch this space where I’ll not be for a while.
On a coach or a train, then on and on.