Notes From an IIndependent State

22.01.14 (Day121)


I’m limited for time and limited by resources. Also I’ve bee limited by yet more restrictions placed upon me by who will henceforth be referred to as “The Driver”, for it was her which drove me almost to the top of the ladder to take the plunge. Notice that it’s “which” and not “who”, as I don’t recognise this entity as a person. It – this thing – is merely evil; a dark, malevolent force: “It” in fact.

Anyway, It may not be mentioned by name. It has forced me to reduct a lot of the notes I made over the weekend. It doesn’t believe in me. It wants to destroy me. It won’t. It doesn’t. It joins They and Them as ghosts and spirits of the past. But I walk, not talk. It says that It doesn’t want to be referred to in the blog under any circumstances and by any of the names previously used. Those names referred to a person. It is an entity.

So this is part two of the insight into my psyche. What I’m thinking and feeling at the moment. Here are the reducted notes from the weekend:

At 06.42 yesterday, I was sitting at my writing desk, bemoaning the weekend which was drawing to a close. Easter weekend was almost as awful as Christmas and New Year: everywhere closed, nothing to do. Christmas and New Year was when I had to start moving on. This weekend’s hiatus was shorter but after four months of being out here, it’s grown more than a little tiring.

I keep busy with voluntary work, which keeps me of of the booze. I have witnesses. It apparently gets sent screen shots of the blog. They’ll do nothing other than to make the malevolent spirit even more evil. But the devil sees all, so see this.

Breakfast with mum and dad was lovely on Sunday and it was a perfect day until It interfered.

It jumps to conclusions, assumes the worst, tears your soul apart, doesn’t trust it’s many enemies (those who work for charity and churches) and tries to destroy all that tries to be good. It is evil.

I have ADS. It is on my medical certificate (double meaning? It tore my writing apart but I’m above the darkness now).

I wrote this:

“I’m climbing the ladder; taking the plunge. They told me to. In my mind. Get out.”

Full of double meanings and suggestion. That’s the skill in writing: make the reader think. Draw their own conclusions. I wish it would stop and draw a line; or the curtains (there’s another one).

My writing has been praised by my peers of similar intelligence. Alas one often has to write below one’s own intelligence level. But then one is mis-judged. By things like It.

I also wrote:

Driven by one person. And I paid for the lessons.

Nokia Lumia: moods. Currently in “Green” mood, as selected by my friend Kristy, who works in McDonald’s.

Along with the phone, my baccy tin and my friends are the few things I’ll fight for. And have. And will again.

The rat died and has been buried. I’m going to visit her and I’m tired. Notes from an IIIndependent State (Part Three) another time…


2 thoughts on “Notes From an IIndependent State

  1. You have surpassed yourself Steve. Your latest blog is so shockingly arrogant that 3 people suggested I read it.

    Nobody put you at the top of ‘the ladder’. You climbed up there yourself. You have taken advantage of (and subsequently ripped to pieces) everybody who has attempted to help you. If you see yourself as a victim then you are simply a victim of your own stupid and selfish mistakes. The sooner you stop blaming others, creating ridiculous excuses and actually admit your faults then the sooner you will find yourself on the road to recovery.

    Suggesting that your intelligence is beyond that of your friends (past and present) serves only to prove how incredibly stupid you actually are. Grow up. Sort you crap out. Stop blaming the world for your mistakes.


  2. Totally agree with Marnie.
    You are out of control.
    You have no one but yourself to blame for where you are. Stop blaming everyone else.


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