Crossed Barbed Wires
16.07.14 (Day 206)
How many times do I have to say it? I’m many things, including repetitive but I’m running out of breath. I’m running out of patience and soon to become a patient.
I am of limited financial means but I’m generous: what I have I share because I don’t like guilt trips lain upon me: whatever it takes for a reasonably quiet life. If only.
So the tobacco I buy gets scrounged; the little money I get goes on things that get stolen or sponged. Phone credit the same. No-one pays me back. No-one else bothers because I’m a constant source.
I’m borrowed to the hilt and now resorting to having to sell my beloved Android tablet to keep me going (£30 for a £170 thing on sale or return). The limited proceeds from that sale (if it happens) will also support others as they don’t bother; they just take (the piss).
I’m just stuck here, afraid to leave while everyone else runs around me. I can’t even have one room to myself.
I know I took this on but I’m at breaking point. No-one asks if I’m okay though as I’m too busy helping others.
Sleep deprivation, starvation, stress, paranoia and depression have taken their toll.
I always knew that things would have to get worse before they got better and they have. It’s been recommended to me that I refer myself to A&E as I’m genuinely unwell and suffering fearful thoughts. Maybe I will.
I don’t want to wave the white flag but after helping so many others, it’s me that needs help now. I just can’t seem to get the message across. They don’t understand: crossed wires.
I’d give it up for just a bit of rest. I don’t want to go to hospital. I just want to be able to sleep in my own home.
I’d manage just fine on my money, were I not so selfless. I’d be better off financially on my own but don’t want to be locked away.
Cross the line and help me for once.
So grateful for my little Clingy Thingy on my arm, my little sister and selected others for propping me up. Too many to mention but there are others who are the polar opposite of the props and I’m not divisive. It got like that here last night and there are now more crossed barbed wires for me to deal with.
Me: I need help before I cross the line.
Crossed Barbed Wires