02.12.14 (Day 345)
It’s just a lot of history repeating at the moment. Over a year since I lost the love of my once upon a lifetime and almost a year since being put out on the road, it’s as though I’m losing everything again; all at once.
I’ve lost my sister, or rather she lost me when she promised faithfully that she would come with me to my hospital appointment yesterday and failed to turn up. She blamed lack of sleep. This is the sister I sat up and guarded against intruders coming into the squat for five weeks. Five weeks when she stayed with us and I survived on three hours sleep per day.
I’ve lost my kids: The Pink Hearts are for the most part grown up now and doing their own thing. Some come and go still but even the ones who remained close and loyal – with the exception of a dwindling number – are gone. As for my own kids, it’s been claimed that I’m mentally unfit to see them, so I have to apply via the courts for access. If the claimant could see me or had retained an avenue of contact, they would (reluctantly) conclude that I am indeed fit. As it is I have my solicitor on the case. I am a fighter and I will fight for my rights.
The mind of one whom I may not mention has been poisoned by another unmentionable, after so much time spent rebuilding bridges, only for them now to be burned again by an arsonist. This person really has it in for me and is determined to destroy everything that I’m trying to rebuild. But I’m a fighter and I will fight back.
I’ve lost Little Blue, apparently permanently. It’s dead Jim. It is an ex-android. The last resort was to return it to the manufacturer but someone has removed the serial number sticker from the casing and without that it’s doubtful that the maker will accept its return for examination and repair. I only hope that they have more Christmas spirit and goodwill than others.
I’ve lost the http://www.restaurantathome.net website. Hopefully this is only temporary but it’s worthy of mention for the simple fact that the enterprise is still ongoing.
The saddest loss though is that of The Wife: my little clingy thingy. We remained together despite her finding someone else in her life but circumstances are dictating that we may not see one another even in the limited capacity which we’d managed to maintain. I’m a fighter and I will overcome obstacles to get her back and be with her again one day.
So this Christmas is looking to be almost as joyful and un-triumphant as last but hopefully not spent in hospital again. I’m still waiting news of a Christmas dinner to cook in a church or similar venue as I don’t wish to encroach upon the host family’s family Christmas. My own family are unlikely to welcome me. Even so, I’m planning gifts for them. I can’t afford anything lavish but home-made gifts are in the offing, just to show that at least I am able to practice goodwill to all and that unlike some, I’m not bitter. I practice forgiveness, not resentment; love, not hatred. I can forgive sins. I can look forward and move on. I believe; I don’t doubt. I trust (sometimes to much). I don’t bear grudges; I don’t judge. Judge not lest ye be judged yourself (and I’m judged a lot). Let he (or she) who is without sin cast the first stone…
If the Christmas lunch comes to fruition, it will obviously be on a voluntary, not-for-profit basis, as will the community lunch I’ve been booked for a little short of three weeks hence. The menu is finalised, the ingredients being purchased, the kitchen booked and the assistant cooking staff and servers arranged. I’m working in the capacity which suits me best: chef director. So I’m head chef, in charge of ensuring each plat e which goes out to the diners matches a sample one on the pass and directing the waiting staff to serve and clear tables as required. There are up to 40 covers expected and I’m determined to make it an experience for them and not just a lunch. These are my potential customers after all. I can prove myself and I need people to place trust and faith in me; not to doubt or judge me on my recent past. I’m trying to be a good person, if only I’m allowed.
Whether or not the fledgling business works out, I’m looking into going back to work. The ultimate business plan has the thing running with me simply directing remotely, as has been the case with previous enterprises. I delegate and manage. But I like to work with food and people, which is why I’ve found myself pursuing a future in the catering trade. I can either be hands-on in my own venture or out-sourcing to others while I work for someone else. I have my Food Hygiene (Level 2) certificate and am looking for a live-in position in catering. This would solve two problems: those of housing and employment. Although I’m signed off from work by a doctor, confirmation came yesterday from CRI that my drinking is at a manageable level. I’m not fit to return to work just yet but once I do start working, the very return to work will be self-declaration that I’m fit. Working with food and people is something I enjoy and it’ll be more like a paid hobby than a job anyway and that’s certainly something I’m fit for. I just hope no-one tries to wreck my plans like some are seemingly determined to destroy the new life I’m mapping out.
Live-in employment is one of only a few realistic options remaining for me, as most other avenues have been pursued and exhausted. There’s still the option of private rental but it comes with many challenges for someone in my position and circumstances. Still many hoops and hurdles ahead but I fight on, pick myself up and dust myself off after every fall or trip up placed in my way by those who want to see me fail.
So throw me another curve ball and I’ll bat it away.
I plan to have a ball and no-one can stop me.