One of the many subjects which The Paradoxicon – my work in progress novel – addresses is that we cannot change the past, nor the future, for our future is mapped out already.
I have many fond memories of the past and I have hopes for the future.
When I was younger, a teenager in fact, I was a punk. Punk is more a way of living than simply music. Punks buck the trend, or rather punk bucks trends; we go with our hearts and fuck the system. A song from that era could be one played at my funeral: Ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with? by The Buzzcocks. We rebelled. We conducted secret, forbidden relationships.
Back then I used to send coded messages to the one I’d fallen in love with and if I was lucky, she’d send one back. It was exciting. It was rebellious. We knew that we were doing something which no-one else would approve of. But we didn’t care. We were in love. We raised two fingers to the world and kept ourselves secret. It was about what we wanted and nobody else. Above all else, that feeling of love for someone and of being loved by that same person meant that the rest could go to hell. Only we knew and nothing else mattered. Only we knew that warm feeling which carries you through life’s struggles: the knowledge that someone cares. Really cares.
And history repeats.
Sometimes someone walks into your life; breaks into your life. Although all the barriers are up because the heart can’t stand being broken again, there’s one person who can break those barriers down. When that person broke into my the life I had at the time, I knew. The thing is, I knew it was wrong. That’s why I didn’t tell her.
And so my heart remains broken because I can’t be with the person I want to be with and all I can do is send messages to the past.
Keep your head up kid. I know you can swim. You just gotta keep moving your legs.