Trump reveals spaceship plans

NEWS

After a conference where he referred to Apple CEO Tim Cook as ‘Tim Apple’, President Trump has met with Elon Musk to discuss America’s plans for space exploration and trade. After the meeting, the president was full of praise for the CEO of Tesla and SpaceX, whom he called ‘Elon Spaceship’. It follows recent tests of the SpaceX Dragon capsule, and the vessel’s return to earth from the International Space Station.

Musk and TrumpElon Musk and Donald Trump, after their meeting

What Elon Spaceship has allowed me to do, is teach him about space. Because I know all about space,” the president said. “I’m very intelligents, so there’s nothing I don’t know about space.”

Mr Trump then switched his microphone off and said something to an aide, which a lip-reader translated as “If I ever blow up the earth, I’ve got a spacecraft coming to pick me up.” After switching the microphone on again, the president continued:

I asked Elon Spaceship what he thought about sending men to the sun to get more solar power, because people say that’s better than oil and gas, and he said it couldn’t be done. He said you couldn’t send astronauts to the sun, as they’d burn up. So I said to him, that’s okay, we’ll send them up at night. Very intelligents. I taught Elon Spaceship a lot.”

The president went on to explain how America would lead the world in space trade.

We’re going to turn the moon into a huge retail emporium. Massive, ginormous, like a Death Star. I’ve spoken to Jeff Amazon and he wants to put his stuff in my shops. Genius plan, but no-one thought of it, except me because I’m very intelligents and I know all about space.

It’ll be a great partnership on the moon. I own it, and I’ll be in charge because I’m Donald President. Jeff Amazon stocks it, and Elon Spaceship builds taxis for people to get there. It’ll be great. And we can sell advertising on the surface of the moon, so everyone on Earth can see how clever and great I am. I might get Tim Apple to do the computers.”

Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos were not available for comment.

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The cats’ eye view on geopolitics

WORLD NEWS | POLITICS

It’s becoming clear that Russia and America are using Europe as a chess board, just like in the last Cold War. Away from the main game, Kim Jong-un has realised it’s best to get out of the nuclear arms race and partner with his Southern neighbour: a classic example of previously warring factions uniting against an emerging common foe. It’s in the southern province that “Killer robots” are being developed.

KoreanCountdown

With the warm-up for World War 3 well under way as predicted, the image above came through from Barbarossa on B3ta, so I called on a local cat through the Babel fish, to see what she made of the message.

After being reminded again that humans needed them 3000 years ago, and this is why they have nine lives, the cat set about decoding the meaning behind the text in the image for me.

The Babel fish of my fictional making is more a machine of interpretation of thoughts than conveyance of words, so the following may not be entirely accurate. Reading from left to right, the symbols translate literally thus, if you’re a cat:

Man with bandy legs, wearing funny hat (translation: President Trump and hair)
Hat gone: Wind blew
Angry building: White House
Protective hat on big head: North Korea
Vodka: Kremlin
(Double vodka)
Man with hair back on (Trump)
Protective hat: South Korea
Another angry building: possible killer robots inside

Developing…

My own fictional Babel fish was developed from the invention of Douglas Adams, to whom my (critically-acclaimed) science fiction novel is dedicated.

A White House invitation to Britain’s Got Talent*

WORLD NEWS | POLITICS

I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to update this. So now that our shameless Prime Minister and her morally corrupt government have invited her puppet master to the UK, it was time to dust it off. With the visit planned for Friday 7/13, as it will come to be known, what could possibly go wrong? This just in…

SuBoNatAmSuBo previously caused controversy at T in The Park

SUSAN BOYLE ASKED TO WELCOME US PRESIDENT TO BRITAIN

Britain’s Got Talent runner-up Susan Boyle has confirmed that she’s been approached by the US president to perform a welcoming ceremony for his “most excellent” forthcoming UK visit, it is alleged.

The hairy cornflake said she was initially asked to sing I dreamed a dream from Les Miserables – the song which catapulted her to fame on Britain’s Got Talent – but she declined, referring to Emanuel Macron’s recent visit to Washington: “He watches one Russell Crowe film with the French president, and he thinks he knows history and politics?”

When pressed on the song she’d perform instead, she replied: “I’ve never done politics, so I asked wee Nicola Sturgeon what she thought. I told her I’d been approached, that it was for Donald, Theresa, and their special relationship, then she just came out with the song.”

Asked to confirm the planned welcoming anthem, Boyle confirmed, “Och, aye. It’s So what! by The Anti-Nowhere League. See, wee Nicky even knew the lyrics: ‘I’ve been to Hastings, I’ve been to Brighton, I’ve been to Eastbourne too…’ and so on. Well Donald’s been everywhere, before he was in politics, but now he’s coming to the UK. I doubt the prime minister will show him how Tory cuts have destroyed our seaside towns, but at least he’ll know what he’s buying. I’m glad I asked the wee lass.”

Asked how she came to be approached to perform for the president, Boyle said, “I think he got me mixed up with someone else. Elaine Paige maybe? But feck it, I’ve got a new album coming out and this is a good excuse to plug it. I’m not proud.”

Asked to explain her choice of song, Boyle said: “I started telling his people about The Anti-Nowhere League, and how they’re Christian revolutionaries, which is a complete lie, so I thought Donald would appreciate it. I went on to explain how So What! is an anthem. You know? Donald’s done all this stuff but, so what! He’s president! They didn’t even want to hear the lyrics, they were so convinced this would be the perfect, rousing song. Sold on a pack of lies, a bit like Brexit, and Trump himself.”

Boyle has a new record out in the Spring. ‘Bairns of the Revolution’ is an album of covers and tributes to her favourite recording artists. Other tracks include The Angelic Upstarts’ Last Night Another Soldier, David Bowie’s Saviour Machine, and The Sex Pistols’ Who Killed Bambi? Of the latter, Boyle said, “I thought that was a nice one for Donald’s sons. Maybe him and Theresa May could run through National Trust properties, shooting peasants while the Prime Minister sells off the country.”

So What! Lyrics at Genius.com

*None of this is true.

Writing home

NEWS

I’ve been fortunate enough to be approached by the local press, who wanted to report on my story. So this week, I’m in a newspaper.

From back alleys to bookstores – The journey of a man who turned despair into award-winning tales.

The full article is here (on page 4):

page_1.jpg

 

Gordon Ramsay to replace Mary Berry on Bake Off

NEWS | SATIRE

ramsay
Chef Gordon Ramsay, pictured in 1970

Gordon Ramsay is to replace Mary Berry on The Great British Bake Off, it has been announced. Ramsay joins Paul Hollywood at the show’s new home on Channel 4.

The show’s new broadcaster said they thought Ramsay would add some spice to the format. At 81, Ramsay is the same age as Berry.

Asked to comment, Ramsay said: “Given that this is Channel 4, I think I can take the fucking format further. Mary can keep her soggy bottoms. Now we’re going to have fucking wank stains and shit. I won’t be sympathetic to failure, I’ll just intimidate the contestants by shouting in their pathetic, simpering little faces.”

Channel 4 are said to be considering a number of people for the roles vacated by Sue Perkins and Mel Giedroyc, but no-one was available to confirm this. Tim Loganberry, a runner with a university degree, smoking a joint outside, would only say, “Jo Brand would be fucking awesome.”

Over drinks with his new partner, Hollywood said, “I’m only in it for the fucking money anyway. Now, fuck off.”

Original article.

“Lewinski role” for Kellyanne Conway

NEWS | SATIRE

kellyanne-conway-gettyimages-621088886

Kellyanne Conway and her mouth (Getty Images)

Following Kellyanne Conway’s recent defence of Donald Trump in the disabled journalist row, the president-elect has offered her a job as a White House intern, saying, “It’ll be just like Monica and Bill.”

Conway, 49, is a key adviser to Trump who ran his 2016 campaign. She defended the president-elect’s behaviour when he apparently mocked a disabled New York Times reporter during a 2015 rally. But Conway insisted that’s not what he was doing.

“That is not what he did and he has said that 1,000 times,” she exaggerated on Monday morning. “Why can’t you give him the benefit of the doubt?”

Although it’s clear to anyone with a pair of eyes that the stuffed orange carrier bag was using his position of power and superiority in his pram to ridicule the disabled man, Conway maintains that he “Didn’t mean it that way. People need to look at what’s in his heart and not what comes out of his mouth. I only have to stare at his navel to feel the warmth that comes from him. And people will need to listen to what I say and not look at what’s coming out of my mouth.”

Trump believes that Conway’s mouth will be very useful during his presidency: “Kellyanne defended me. She tells the truth. That’s a good mouth”, he said. “In fact, I might even call her ‘The Mouth’. I’ll probably grab her by the pussy, because I’m the president.”

Asked to comment on her new post, Conway said, “I can’t wait to get my teeth into it. Now if you’ll excuse me, Donald has asked me to go out to buy some cigars.”

Original Huffington Post article.

Susan Boyle to sing The Anti-Nowhere League’s “So What!” at Trump’s Inauguration

NEWS | SATIRE

US Boyle 1

Britain’s Got Talent runner-up Susan Boyle has confirmed that she has been approached by president-elect Donald Trump to perform at his inauguration ceremony later this month, it has been said.

The hairy cornflake said she was initially asked to sing “I dreamed a dream” from Les Miserables, the song which catapulted her to fame on Britain’s Got Talent but she declined, saying, “Who the feck does he think he is? Martin Luther King?”

Asked how she came to be approached to perform for the new president, Boyle said, “I think he got me mixed up with someone else. Elaine Paige maybe? But feck it, I’ve got a new album coming out and this is a good excuse to plug it. I’m not proud.”

Asked to explain her choice of song, Boyle said: “I started telling his people about The Anti-Nowhere League and how they are Christian revolutionaries, which is a complete lie, so I thought Donald would appreciate it. I went on to explain how “So What!” is an anthem. You know? Donald’s done all this stuff but, so what! He’s going to be president! They didn’t even want to hear the lyrics, they were so convinced this would be the perfect, rousing song. Sold on a pack of lies, a bit like Brexit, and Trump himself.”

Boyle has a new record out in the Spring. “Bairns of the Revolution” is an album of covers and tributes to her favourite recording artists. Other tracks include The Angelic Upstarts’ “Last Night Another Soldier”, David Bowie’s “Saviour Machine”, and The Sex Pistols’ “Who Killed Bambi?” Of the latter, Boyle said, “I thought that was a nice one for Donald’s sons. I’ll give Donald a signed copy, then hopefully make enough money to build a nuclear bunker in my garden before the deluded cunt blows up the world.”

This newsdesk made every effort to contact the president-elect for comment but we couldn’t find the phone number.

“So What!” lyrics at Google Play.