Cider with Shepard and Milne

POLITICS

Adding meaning to classic literature by defacing it, I’ve called this one “Piglet the gammon”…

Pooh and Piglet gammons

The satire section of this blog is mainly concerned with throwing the right wing’s dogshit back over the garden fence.

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Trump shuts down wind farms ‘To prevent hurricanes’

WORLD NEWS

Donald Trump has ordered all wind farms in the USA to cease production with immediate effect, to “reduce the devastating effects of hurricanes and tsunamis on America”. The president told the UN Climate Committee, “What they produce is just air, wind. That’s why they’re called wind farms. Because they make wind. They store it up, and they have to get rid of it somehow.”

Digs Coal

In his later address to reporters, the president referred to his recent visit to the UK.

I was in the UK recently and their government has cut almost all subsidies for renewable energy companies. Like me, they believe in oil and gas, the natural resources of our beautiful planet, which God provided so that humanity’s ingenuity would allow him to drive cars on the roads, fly planes, and power industry. And then I thought about the wind farms and how they collect wind. If we stop doing it, we’ll be more like the Brits and we’ll get fewer hurricanes, because the wind farms aren’t storing up the wind. The off-shore ones are the worst, because they make tsunamis. And here’s the amazing thing: There wasn’t a single hurricane or tsunami all the time I was in the UK. Maybe it was because I was there.” He added, “I also told Theresa Tory that Brexit was a great idea, like the NHS. Make America British again.”

Referring to a recent meeting with Elon Musk of Space X, Mr Trump explained why he may extend his ban on renewable energy to include solar power: “I was talking to Elon Spaceship about renewable energy, because it’s meant to be better than oil and gas, and I said if we want to collect more solar energy, we need to go to the sun. Elon Spaceship said we can’t send astronauts up there, and I said it’s fine, we’ll just send them up at night. But he said it couldn’t be done. And I agree. Because like the wind farms store wind, solar panels collect the sun’s energy. And where does all that stored solar energy go? To make global warming.”

The president then dropped his microphone. “I’m banning all renewable energy to avert a global catastrophe.”

Trump’ s United States of Terror, and more.

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Trump reveals spaceship plans

NEWS

After a conference where he referred to Apple CEO Tim Cook as ‘Tim Apple’, President Trump has met with Elon Musk to discuss America’s plans for space exploration and trade. After the meeting, the president was full of praise for the CEO of Tesla and SpaceX, whom he called ‘Elon Spaceship’. It follows recent tests of the SpaceX Dragon capsule, and the vessel’s return to earth from the International Space Station.

Musk and TrumpElon Musk and Donald Trump, after their meeting

What Elon Spaceship has allowed me to do, is teach him about space. Because I know all about space,” the president said. “I’m very intelligents, so there’s nothing I don’t know about space.”

Mr Trump then switched his microphone off and said something to an aide, which a lip-reader translated as “If I ever blow up the earth, I’ve got a spacecraft coming to pick me up.” After switching the microphone on again, the president continued:

I asked Elon Spaceship what he thought about sending men to the sun to get more solar power, because people say that’s better than oil and gas, and he said it couldn’t be done. He said you couldn’t send astronauts to the sun, as they’d burn up. So I said to him, that’s okay, we’ll send them up at night. Very intelligents. I taught Elon Spaceship a lot.”

The president went on to explain how America would lead the world in space trade.

We’re going to turn the moon into a huge retail emporium. Massive, ginormous, like a Death Star. I’ve spoken to Jeff Amazon and he wants to put his stuff in my shops. Genius plan, but no-one thought of it, except me because I’m very intelligents and I know all about space.

It’ll be a great partnership on the moon. I own it, and I’ll be in charge because I’m Donald President. Jeff Amazon stocks it, and Elon Spaceship builds taxis for people to get there. It’ll be great. And we can sell advertising on the surface of the moon, so everyone on Earth can see how clever and great I am. I might get Tim Apple to do the computers.”

Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos were not available for comment.

Theresa cure (for that itching)

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Glammed-up like a gullible

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A horrid little newspaper

POLITICS | MEDIA

Daily Mail

In another part of my life I’m a B3tan: a member of an online community of “Guardian-reading media types”, introvert activists who disrupt social order satirically, mess around with images in Photoshop, and make things. A fellow B3tan ‘spellingmistakescostlives‘ (AKA Darren Cullen) is making a satirical scale-model Daily Mail, which he originally distributed in Liverpool as part of a residency with RRU News.

Daily Mail Front

A miniature, boiled-down version of the full paper, it’s like the Daily Mail, but distilled to its angry, horny core.

At time of writing, the project had raised over twice its original goal on Kickstarter.

Daily Mail Page 2THE PAPER

This compressed, hand-drawn paper draws attention to the glaring hypocrisies baked into a rag that claims to care about things like moral decency and the sexualisation of children, while also regularly publishing photographs of underage girls in bikinis or low-cut dresses. A paper who’s bread and butter is collecting the kind of ‘wardrobe malfunction’ upskirt and nip-slip photographs of strangers that would land anyone else in jail.

The Daily Mail is the pervert the Daily Mail warned us about.

Daily Mail Page 3

DIANA PULL OUT

This 24 page version of the regular paper inevitably comes with a Princess Diana pull-out, ‘DIANA: THE ENEMY WITHIN’ which details the paper’s historic opposition to any of the issues Diana came to be lauded for. From her work against landmine arms sales to humanising the victims of HIV/AIDs, her relationship with a Muslim migrant to her meeting with the “terrorist” Nelson Mandela; the Mail had terrible things to say about all of it at the time, but now Diana is dead, the paper can safely exploit her memory for cash without having to deal her inconveniently liberal politics.

Daily Mail Diana

Containing all the misogynistic, racist, war-and-fear-mongering you’ve come to love and expect from the Daily Mail, this Kickstarter campaign is to raise funds to reprint this miniature fun/hate-sized paper so people outside of Liverpool can get their own copy.

Daily Mail Supplement

Pledge and reserve your copy here.

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All artwork (except masthead) © Darren Cullen.