Trump shuts down wind farms ‘To prevent hurricanes’

WORLD NEWS

Donald Trump has ordered all wind farms in the USA to cease production with immediate effect, to “reduce the devastating effects of hurricanes and tsunamis on America”. The president told the UN Climate Committee, “What they produce is just air, wind. That’s why they’re called wind farms. Because they make wind. They store it up, and they have to get rid of it somehow.”

Digs Coal

In his later address to reporters, the president referred to his recent visit to the UK.

I was in the UK recently and their government has cut almost all subsidies for renewable energy companies. Like me, they believe in oil and gas, the natural resources of our beautiful planet, which God provided so that humanity’s ingenuity would allow him to drive cars on the roads, fly planes, and power industry. And then I thought about the wind farms and how they collect wind. If we stop doing it, we’ll be more like the Brits and we’ll get fewer hurricanes, because the wind farms aren’t storing up the wind. The off-shore ones are the worst, because they make tsunamis. And here’s the amazing thing: There wasn’t a single hurricane or tsunami all the time I was in the UK. Maybe it was because I was there.” He added, “I also told Theresa Tory that Brexit was a great idea, like the NHS. Make America British again.”

Referring to a recent meeting with Elon Musk of Space X, Mr Trump explained why he may extend his ban on renewable energy to include solar power: “I was talking to Elon Spaceship about renewable energy, because it’s meant to be better than oil and gas, and I said if we want to collect more solar energy, we need to go to the sun. Elon Spaceship said we can’t send astronauts up there, and I said it’s fine, we’ll just send them up at night. But he said it couldn’t be done. And I agree. Because like the wind farms store wind, solar panels collect the sun’s energy. And where does all that stored solar energy go? To make global warming.”

The president then dropped his microphone. “I’m banning all renewable energy to avert a global catastrophe.”

Trump’ s United States of Terror, and more.

Advertisements

Teeth-whitening* by Rothschild

SPONSORED CONTENT

Rothschild quote2*Social cleansing (Teeth sharpening campaign, The Unfinished Advertising Agency)

Trump reveals spaceship plans

NEWS

After a conference where he referred to Apple CEO Tim Cook as ‘Tim Apple’, President Trump has met with Elon Musk to discuss America’s plans for space exploration and trade. After the meeting, the president was full of praise for the CEO of Tesla and SpaceX, whom he called ‘Elon Spaceship’. It follows recent tests of the SpaceX Dragon capsule, and the vessel’s return to earth from the International Space Station.

Musk and TrumpElon Musk and Donald Trump, after their meeting

What Elon Spaceship has allowed me to do, is teach him about space. Because I know all about space,” the president said. “I’m very intelligents, so there’s nothing I don’t know about space.”

Mr Trump then switched his microphone off and said something to an aide, which a lip-reader translated as “If I ever blow up the earth, I’ve got a spacecraft coming to pick me up.” After switching the microphone on again, the president continued:

I asked Elon Spaceship what he thought about sending men to the sun to get more solar power, because people say that’s better than oil and gas, and he said it couldn’t be done. He said you couldn’t send astronauts to the sun, as they’d burn up. So I said to him, that’s okay, we’ll send them up at night. Very intelligents. I taught Elon Spaceship a lot.”

The president went on to explain how America would lead the world in space trade.

We’re going to turn the moon into a huge retail emporium. Massive, ginormous, like a Death Star. I’ve spoken to Jeff Amazon and he wants to put his stuff in my shops. Genius plan, but no-one thought of it, except me because I’m very intelligents and I know all about space.

It’ll be a great partnership on the moon. I own it, and I’ll be in charge because I’m Donald President. Jeff Amazon stocks it, and Elon Spaceship builds taxis for people to get there. It’ll be great. And we can sell advertising on the surface of the moon, so everyone on Earth can see how clever and great I am. I might get Tim Apple to do the computers.”

Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos were not available for comment.

Theresa cure (for that itching)

NOT SPONSORED CONTENT

Brexit May

*Personal comment or opinion, pasted into an image stolen from the internet to make a point which sponsored content wouldn’t.

Glammed-up like a gullible

NOT SPONSORED CONTENT

Pink Casino

*Personal comment or opinion, pasted into an image stolen from the internet to make a point which sponsored content wouldn’t.

A horrid little newspaper

POLITICS | MEDIA

Daily Mail

In another part of my life I’m a B3tan: a member of an online community of “Guardian-reading media types”, introvert activists who disrupt social order satirically, mess around with images in Photoshop, and make things. A fellow B3tan ‘spellingmistakescostlives‘ (AKA Darren Cullen) is making a satirical scale-model Daily Mail, which he originally distributed in Liverpool as part of a residency with RRU News.

Daily Mail Front

A miniature, boiled-down version of the full paper, it’s like the Daily Mail, but distilled to its angry, horny core.

At time of writing, the project had raised over twice its original goal on Kickstarter.

Daily Mail Page 2THE PAPER

This compressed, hand-drawn paper draws attention to the glaring hypocrisies baked into a rag that claims to care about things like moral decency and the sexualisation of children, while also regularly publishing photographs of underage girls in bikinis or low-cut dresses. A paper who’s bread and butter is collecting the kind of ‘wardrobe malfunction’ upskirt and nip-slip photographs of strangers that would land anyone else in jail.

The Daily Mail is the pervert the Daily Mail warned us about.

Daily Mail Page 3

DIANA PULL OUT

This 24 page version of the regular paper inevitably comes with a Princess Diana pull-out, ‘DIANA: THE ENEMY WITHIN’ which details the paper’s historic opposition to any of the issues Diana came to be lauded for. From her work against landmine arms sales to humanising the victims of HIV/AIDs, her relationship with a Muslim migrant to her meeting with the “terrorist” Nelson Mandela; the Mail had terrible things to say about all of it at the time, but now Diana is dead, the paper can safely exploit her memory for cash without having to deal her inconveniently liberal politics.

Daily Mail Diana

Containing all the misogynistic, racist, war-and-fear-mongering you’ve come to love and expect from the Daily Mail, this Kickstarter campaign is to raise funds to reprint this miniature fun/hate-sized paper so people outside of Liverpool can get their own copy.

Daily Mail Supplement

Pledge and reserve your copy here.

Daily Mail Pet Advert

All artwork (except masthead) © Darren Cullen.

Posting towels into letterboxes

THE WRITER’S LIFE

This blog entry sees me fresh from the shower, wrapped in a towel, for no other reason than to remind myself of the usefulness of towels in times of insecurity. “A towel,” The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy advises, “is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitch hiker can have.” It goes on to expound the towel’s many virtues, including – crucially for this article – its protective properties against noxious fumes, and conferring an ability upon the wearer to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mindbogglingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can’t see it, it can’t see you).

TowelTowels are also handy for last-minute fancy dress party invitations

Meanwhile, somewhere in London, a young Muslim boy is sitting in a cafe, wondering about life and idly browsing Facebook on his laptop, when he sees a video, purportedly showing Muslim men selling their womenfolk from a market stall in London. He knows it’s fake. The men were highlighting their religion’s persecution to those who were ignorant of the facts. But the boy daren’t point it out.

They hate you,” His mentor’s voice repeated in his head. “The people who post this stuff, your neighbours, they hate you. They don’t want your kind in their country, because they’re afraid of what they don’t know and can’t be bothered to learn anything outside their blinkered life. It’s not worth arguing or trying to teach them. They’ve been conditioned and you’re not welcome here…”

Is it any wonder children are radicalised, when the multicultural country which once welcomed them turns against them? That’s the way they see it. The perverse truth, is it’s a process fuelled by the far right, breeding the home-grown terror they seek to eradicate. Who are the real terrorists?

Right-wing political rhetoric is designed to heighten fear and discourage debate. Trump did this in the US then seized power, and Boris Johnson is on a similar trajectory. In recent weeks he’s described women who cover their faces as “letter boxes” and “bank robbers.” In refusing to apologise (and his boss is too terrified to call him to account), he seeks to normalise racism and Islamophobia. It’s okay to hate, and it’s the golden goose which keeps giving, sucked up by the right-wing tabloids and fed to their readers, who tell their kids. Who are the real radicalised?

Those who choose to believe, do. Those who don’t are accused of liberal elitism, of being enemies of the state, and traitors who spread fake news. To those of us who peer deeper, it’s clear that their brand of fake news is the real fake news. But they try to silence us.

It’s a twisted cartoon world, where empires and leaders create their own enemies, and where children are being groomed and radicalised to protect their dictator’s interests, even on the computers where they seek escape from the real world outside.

Like social cleansing, like Grenfell Tower, like fitness-for-work assessments, and local government cuts through removal of central government funding, it’s a system designed to wear us down. So that we die. Like in wars. This isn’t fiction. Open your eyes and you’ll see what I can.

I can see what those who won’t listen can’t: All of us having a veil pulled over our collective faces. Part the curtains and see through it. I can, and that’s with a towel on my head. Either that, or I’m just a paranoid, anxious mental case.

Those of us on the left, the liberal elite, the silent majority; the misfits, the queer and the disabled by disadvantage, are seemingly invisible to right-wing politics, and I wonder if we might learn something from The Hitch Hiker’s Guide. We might even be able to use fascism’s ignorance and gullibility to our advantage.

While we struggle to be heard over the noise, we need to create an alternative narrative of hope: a visible one, and if we write about it enough, it’ll become the truth. We need to convince them we’re invisible and breed insecurity*.

There’ll be a war soon, and the resistance need to protect themselves. While I’d no more question a woman’s choice to cover her face than whether she’s wearing underwear, more of us need to wear towels on our heads.

Towel dont panic

Oh, hang on…

*It’s all part of the plan: Where we, the public, destroy ourselves.