Free-range chicken in Oregon

THE WRITER’S LIFE | FICTION

“As I was walking down Stanton Street early one Sunday morning, I saw a chicken a few yards ahead of me. I was walking faster than the chicken, so I gradually caught up. By the time we approached Eighteenth Avenue, I was close behind. The chicken turned south on Eighteenth. At the fourth house along, it turned in at the walk, hopped up the front steps, and rapped sharply on the metal storm door with its beak. After a moment, the door opened and the chicken went in.”

My literary mentor – Paul Auster – was once accused of using the convenience of coincidence in his writing. He pointed out that real life is often stranger – or more coincidental – than much which a fiction author could imagine. Then he compiled stories of American life in I thought my father was God and other true tales. The collection includes The Chicken, (above) from Linda Elegant of Portland, Oregon.

Auster and me both subscribe to the theory of fictional reality, which posits that in an almost infinite universe, somewhere – possibly a long time ago in a galaxy far away – everything which has ever been written in fiction has really happened.

I was already acquainted with a chicken which hatched from a Campbell’s soup tin, and who believed she was God. She hung around for a while, then disappeared into the obscurity of omnipotence, where you don’t want people to know where you are.

Clangers ChickenThe Clangers

THE CHICKEN BEHIND THE DOOR

I’ve found it difficult to write, talk, and even think lately, with the weight of many lives on my mind. I used to write so that I didn’t have to explain myself to people, instead referring them here. It’s because there’s so much in my head, and that I find it hard to speak to others, that I talk to myself. Far easier – and more entertaining for the reader – if I place myself in my own fiction.

There was a knock at the door, or rather a rap, a rat-a-tat-tat. Curious, I opened the door. There was no-one there.

β€œDown here.”

I looked down, and there was a chicken. I invited her in.

β€œSo,” she said, β€œwhat’s up with you?”

β€œTo be honest,” I replied, β€œI don’t know. I mean, I can’t put a finger on an individual irritant, because there are so many.”

β€œHave you got fleas?”

β€œIf I have, then they’ve given up jumping for a living. They’ve taken up residence. I feel permanently trapped. There are many places I’d like to be but I lack the means to get there.”

β€œWell, fleas don’t eat wood.”

β€œWhat’s that got to do with anything?”

β€œI think you have worms.”

β€œEh?”

β€œYou’ve buried yourself,” the chicken said. β€œYou’ve stuffed yourself full of problems which you don’t talk about. Let me give you some sage advice.” Coming from a chicken, that was ironic.

β€œYou’re right,” I said, β€œbut I’ve not eaten for days.”

β€œWhy not?”

β€œThe oven blew up.”

β€œSeriously?”

β€œLiterally. No, actually. The main element blew.”

β€œMind if I take a look?”

β€œBe my guest.”

β€œI already am,” the chicken said, walking to the kitchen. β€œI can’t believe you’ve finally let God into your life.”

β€œI haven’t.”

β€œWell, I’m here. Could you open this door for me please?” She pointed to the oven. β€œThanks.” Then she walked in. β€œClose the door. Please.” I did. β€œNow,” she said, more quietly, β€œturn the oven on.”

β€œAre you sure?”

β€œI want to test your faith,” the chicken said from behind the oven door.

So I put the oven on 190Β°C and forgot about it. I came back to the typewriter to write this diary entry for my blog. Everything this far is what I’ve written since the chicken who claims to be God got into the oven.

β€œYou’re right,” she said, clanging the door closed behind her, β€œit’s fucked.”

β€œLike I said,” I said.

β€œAnd yet you doubted me.”

β€œYou what?”

β€œI am God. I cannot be cooked and eaten. Placing myself in the oven proves this.”

β€œBut I already told you it was busted.”

β€œAnd yet you shut me in there and turned on the heat.”

β€œBecause I knew you’d be fine.”

β€œSo you believe in me.”

β€œWell, you’re here.”

β€œSo you believe in God.”

β€œIf God is a chicken which invites itself into my studio, then gets into the oven, asks me to cook it, then gets out unharmed, that just tells me my oven is broken.”

β€œBut has it not occurred to you,” the chicken said, β€œthat you would not put a live chicken in your oven, and that I have no feathers? There’s no fleas or flies on me. See? Here I am, naked.”

She had a point.

So I put her in the freezer to keep her quiet. Once I’ve got a new oven, I’ll be having God for dinner.

Β© Steve Laker, 2020

Return to Mars (with Rail Card)

FLASH FICTION

I’ve got a ticket to Mars, which in reality is my name among thousands etched onto a microchip implanted on the NASA Mars 2020 Rover. In fiction, that’s enough for me to make my mark on the red planet. It’s a ticket to a busman’s holiday for a science fiction writer lighting joss sticks with a candle burning at both ends.

Whether you’re an atheist human or an agnostic dyslexic insomniac dog with God delusions, the further you dig into the past, the more confusing the present seems…

Laika2Laika, first dog in space

MARS WARS

Episode IV, A New Boat

Two little boys had two little toys. Each had a planet. The first boy was called God, and he made the Earth. His brother was known as ‘Dog,’ and Dog made Mars.

On the first day, Dog made dinosaurs for his planet, and Dog was pleased. It was great. He especially liked the herds of lumbering Brachiosaurus, and he made marijuana plants for them to graze on. He was proud of his calculations for the packs of Velociraptors, and he sat back to admire his work, itself eventually programmed to work out why it was there.

And the evening and the morning were the fourth day, when God let there be light on Earth. He looked at what his brother had created with Mars, and God was jealous.

While Dog slept one night, God set fire to his home. When Dog woke, he had no idea who’d wreaked destruction on his creation. He gathered up some dinosaurs he’d made, and ordered two of each onto a spacecraft. It was called Ark B, and it set them on a course to the promised land of God’s Earth, where they could seek sanctuary with Dog’s brother, whom he trusted.

But God saw the arrival of the heavenly Martian immigrants as a threat to his undeveloped creation, and he threw an asteroid at Earth in his fury, as the ark’s crew dispersed upon his world.

Eventually Dog’s dinosaurs died, and God grew bored, but his smaller creatures began to evolve on Earth. He’d always envied his brother’s more elaborate planetary inhabitants, but lacked his creative flair, andΒ Dog had run into the cosmic woods.Β 

God replaced Dog’s dinosaurs with the best he could do in his tiny mind. He created creatures in his own image. And God called them human.

Β© Steve Laker, 2019

Mars Boarding Pass

If a future Martian should ever ask, β€œWho wrote this?” perhaps they’ll check the names on the chip they’ll find in an ancient space rover. If they’re human, I’d say dig down a bit in your past, and you might find dinosaur fossils on Mars, the ones who didn’t get onto Dog’s space ark, who didn’t make it to Earth. Dogs are here on Earth though, and they’re man’s best friends. In fact, the first astronaut from this planet was a dog who’s a homophone of me.