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Trump reveals spaceship plans

NEWS

After a conference where he referred to Apple CEO Tim Cook as ‘Tim Apple’, President Trump has met with Elon Musk to discuss America’s plans for space exploration and trade. After the meeting, the president was full of praise for the CEO of Tesla and SpaceX, whom he called ‘Elon Spaceship’. It follows recent tests of the SpaceX Dragon capsule, and the vessel’s return to earth from the International Space Station.

Musk and TrumpElon Musk and Donald Trump, after their meeting

What Elon Spaceship has allowed me to do, is teach him about space. Because I know all about space,” the president said. “I’m very intelligents, so there’s nothing I don’t know about space.”

Mr Trump then switched his microphone off and said something to an aide, which a lip-reader translated as “If I ever blow up the earth, I’ve got a spacecraft coming to pick me up.” After switching the microphone on again, the president continued:

I asked Elon Spaceship what he thought about sending men to the sun to get more solar power, because people say that’s better than oil and gas, and he said it couldn’t be done. He said you couldn’t send astronauts to the sun, as they’d burn up. So I said to him, that’s okay, we’ll send them up at night. Very intelligents. I taught Elon Spaceship a lot.”

The president went on to explain how America would lead the world in space trade.

We’re going to turn the moon into a huge retail emporium. Massive, ginormous, like a Death Star. I’ve spoken to Jeff Amazon and he wants to put his stuff in my shops. Genius plan, but no-one thought of it, except me because I’m very intelligents and I know all about space.

It’ll be a great partnership on the moon. I own it, and I’ll be in charge because I’m Donald President. Jeff Amazon stocks it, and Elon Spaceship builds taxis for people to get there. It’ll be great. And we can sell advertising on the surface of the moon, so everyone on Earth can see how clever and great I am. I might get Tim Apple to do the computers.”

Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos were not available for comment.

Theresa cure (for that itching)

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Glammed-up like a gullible

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A horrid little newspaper

POLITICS | MEDIA

Daily Mail

In another part of my life I’m a B3tan: a member of an online community of “Guardian-reading media types”, introvert activists who disrupt social order satirically, mess around with images in Photoshop, and make things. A fellow B3tan ‘spellingmistakescostlives‘ (AKA Darren Cullen) is making a satirical scale-model Daily Mail, which he originally distributed in Liverpool as part of a residency with RRU News.

Daily Mail Front

A miniature, boiled-down version of the full paper, it’s like the Daily Mail, but distilled to its angry, horny core.

At time of writing, the project had raised over twice its original goal on Kickstarter.

Daily Mail Page 2THE PAPER

This compressed, hand-drawn paper draws attention to the glaring hypocrisies baked into a rag that claims to care about things like moral decency and the sexualisation of children, while also regularly publishing photographs of underage girls in bikinis or low-cut dresses. A paper who’s bread and butter is collecting the kind of ‘wardrobe malfunction’ upskirt and nip-slip photographs of strangers that would land anyone else in jail.

The Daily Mail is the pervert the Daily Mail warned us about.

Daily Mail Page 3

DIANA PULL OUT

This 24 page version of the regular paper inevitably comes with a Princess Diana pull-out, ‘DIANA: THE ENEMY WITHIN’ which details the paper’s historic opposition to any of the issues Diana came to be lauded for. From her work against landmine arms sales to humanising the victims of HIV/AIDs, her relationship with a Muslim migrant to her meeting with the “terrorist” Nelson Mandela; the Mail had terrible things to say about all of it at the time, but now Diana is dead, the paper can safely exploit her memory for cash without having to deal her inconveniently liberal politics.

Daily Mail Diana

Containing all the misogynistic, racist, war-and-fear-mongering you’ve come to love and expect from the Daily Mail, this Kickstarter campaign is to raise funds to reprint this miniature fun/hate-sized paper so people outside of Liverpool can get their own copy.

Daily Mail Supplement

Pledge and reserve your copy here.

Daily Mail Pet Advert

All artwork (except masthead) © Darren Cullen.

A shaved Bungle from Rainbow

THE WRITER’S LIFE

If I were asked to describe Donald Trump in metaphors, I’d probably go with a cross between a head injury and a plastic sack wrapped around a lamp post in the wind. But I wasn’t asked.

Jason Hazeley and Joel Morris are the writers behind Charlie Brooker’s Wipe, but sadly Wipe 2017 was cancelled as Brooker was too busy making more episodes of Black Mirror. They’ve shared some notes they made which came from a brainstorm, “Describe Donald Trump,” and put them on a charity T-shirt, with all profits going to The Refugee Community Kitchen, a charity providing meals to displaced people both in the UK and abroad. The insults on the shirt are splendidly juvenile, and it’s all in a good cause.

Trump globe

My shirt arrived today, and the full text on the front (see below) reads as follows:

A man who looks like he’s constantly shitting. The face from a leaflet about blood pressure. Pig off of Pipkins. Father Jack. A guinea pig in a Toby Jug. Your first girlfriend’s horrible dad. The evil Beach Boy. Someone trick or treating as Paddy Ashdown. A kitten balanced on a Chelsea bun. A fist full of straw. A live-action reboot of President Business from the Lego Movie. A talking haystack. A totem pole made of fish paste. A cross between Silvio Berlusconi and Boss Hogg. A walking wig named after a fart. Worzel Gummidge after a spa weekend. A man who’s sprayed the top of his head with so much thickener, it’s got into his brain. The evil Bruce Forsyth. The Cheshire Cunt. Less a politician than a bag of hair through which stupid ideas could pass. Fascist Bagpuss. Primitive He-Man doll made by a feral child out of straw and turnips. Ageing He-Man cosplayer dressed for court appearance. A fist with hair. A home-made Alec Baldwin. A baboon’s arse poking out from under a fucked doormat. An American businessman from a Two Ronnies Dallas sketch. Hitler Simpson. Donnie Dorko. The sheriff from Live and Let Die. The crude bigoted mayor from a simplistic children’s film about racial tolerance. A shaved Bungle. A billionaire bigot who looks a bit sweaty because he’s trying to smuggle the prototype of a giant Shredded Wheat out of the factory by hiding it above his forehead. A Vic Reeves drawing of Jimmy Savile. Your dad, drunk on Boxing Day, but with a Tribble on his head. An orange supremacist. The words ‘HOW HARD CAN IT BE’ in a suit. The American Boris Johnson, but like their milkshakes, the American version is much, much thicker – and even worse for you. A man who looks like a clingfilm bag of tinned frankfurters that’s been kicked through a cobweb. A character that, had it been invented by Roald Dahl, wouldn’t have made it to the end of a factory visit. A lame 80s fish-out-of-water movie president. The furious orange. Mickey Blowoff. Gropey Doo. Buzz Shiteyear. Head like a cartoon cat squashed into a mailbox. His smashed handbag of a face. The sort of face David Cameron might stick his dick in for a bet. The kind of face that if it appeared outside your window might, ironically, make you consider building a wall to keep it out. If he kissed a baby, it’d probably just be a first step in a long game of going to bed with it in eighteen years. A soulless rich white male who claims to represent ordinary, hard-working people – in much the same way I could be said to represent the Brazilian grimecore community or the nineteen-headed creatures of the planet Blitheroid or the international carpet-eating association. It was surprising to find out that he was a juvenile, entitled, chauvinist locker room dick, because he looks more like a horse rapist. Farage compared him to a Silverback gorilla, probably meaning that once in captivity in the White House, he’d sulk in a corner, masturbating and going insane.

TheDonald Tee shirt

Support Refugee Community Kitchen and wear an offensive stream of consciousness upon your person.

The cats’ eye view on geopolitics

WORLD NEWS | POLITICS

It’s becoming clear that Russia and America are using Europe as a chess board, just like in the last Cold War. Away from the main game, Kim Jong-un has realised it’s best to get out of the nuclear arms race and partner with his Southern neighbour: a classic example of previously warring factions uniting against an emerging common foe. It’s in the southern province that “Killer robots” are being developed.

KoreanCountdown

With the warm-up for World War 3 well under way as predicted, the image above came through from Barbarossa on B3ta, so I called on a local cat through the Babel fish, to see what she made of the message.

After being reminded again that humans needed them 3000 years ago, and this is why they have nine lives, the cat set about decoding the meaning behind the text in the image for me.

The Babel fish of my fictional making is more a machine of interpretation of thoughts than conveyance of words, so the following may not be entirely accurate. Reading from left to right, the symbols translate literally thus, if you’re a cat:

Man with bandy legs, wearing funny hat (translation: President Trump and hair)
Hat gone: Wind blew
Angry building: White House
Protective hat on big head: North Korea
Vodka: Kremlin
(Double vodka)
Man with hair back on (Trump)
Protective hat: South Korea
Another angry building: possible killer robots inside

Developing…

My own fictional Babel fish was developed from the invention of Douglas Adams, to whom my (critically-acclaimed) science fiction novel is dedicated.

A White House invitation to Britain’s Got Talent*

WORLD NEWS | POLITICS

I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to update this. So now that our shameless Prime Minister and her morally corrupt government have invited her puppet master to the UK, it was time to dust it off. With the visit planned for Friday 7/13, as it will come to be known, what could possibly go wrong? This just in…

SuBoNatAmSuBo previously caused controversy at T in The Park

SUSAN BOYLE ASKED TO WELCOME US PRESIDENT TO BRITAIN

Britain’s Got Talent runner-up Susan Boyle has confirmed that she’s been approached by the US president to perform a welcoming ceremony for his “most excellent” forthcoming UK visit, it is alleged.

The hairy cornflake said she was initially asked to sing I dreamed a dream from Les Miserables – the song which catapulted her to fame on Britain’s Got Talent – but she declined, referring to Emanuel Macron’s recent visit to Washington: “He watches one Russell Crowe film with the French president, and he thinks he knows history and politics?”

When pressed on the song she’d perform instead, she replied: “I’ve never done politics, so I asked wee Nicola Sturgeon what she thought. I told her I’d been approached, that it was for Donald, Theresa, and their special relationship, then she just came out with the song.”

Asked to confirm the planned welcoming anthem, Boyle confirmed, “Och, aye. It’s So what! by The Anti-Nowhere League. See, wee Nicky even knew the lyrics: ‘I’ve been to Hastings, I’ve been to Brighton, I’ve been to Eastbourne too…’ and so on. Well Donald’s been everywhere, before he was in politics, but now he’s coming to the UK. I doubt the prime minister will show him how Tory cuts have destroyed our seaside towns, but at least he’ll know what he’s buying. I’m glad I asked the wee lass.”

Asked how she came to be approached to perform for the president, Boyle said, “I think he got me mixed up with someone else. Elaine Paige maybe? But feck it, I’ve got a new album coming out and this is a good excuse to plug it. I’m not proud.”

Asked to explain her choice of song, Boyle said: “I started telling his people about The Anti-Nowhere League, and how they’re Christian revolutionaries, which is a complete lie, so I thought Donald would appreciate it. I went on to explain how So What! is an anthem. You know? Donald’s done all this stuff but, so what! He’s president! They didn’t even want to hear the lyrics, they were so convinced this would be the perfect, rousing song. Sold on a pack of lies, a bit like Brexit, and Trump himself.”

Boyle has a new record out in the Spring. ‘Bairns of the Revolution’ is an album of covers and tributes to her favourite recording artists. Other tracks include The Angelic Upstarts’ Last Night Another Soldier, David Bowie’s Saviour Machine, and The Sex Pistols’ Who Killed Bambi? Of the latter, Boyle said, “I thought that was a nice one for Donald’s sons. Maybe him and Theresa May could run through National Trust properties, shooting peasants while the Prime Minister sells off the country.”

So What! Lyrics at Genius.com

*None of this is true.

The Tory plan for new housing: a social tax on climate change

POLITICS | COMMENT | SATIRE

It’s satirical, but it’s not particularly funny. As a science fiction writer, I look at many Utopian and near future dystopia scenarios, some dependent only upon a butterfly effect which could already be gathering motion, unknown to us. Sometimes I have to take a short break from fiction, so that none of my stories cross over unwittingly (even though crossovers are one of my trademarks).

theresa_may_conference_idojwi

In a radical plan to tackle the housing crisis in London, the Conservatives are quietly pushing through new legislation, which wasn’t announced at the recent party conference in Brighton. Theresa May insists she did announce it, but it was when she’d lost her voice, and the whole Tory vision was collapsing around her on stage.

The changes are two fold: New housing built underground, paid for with a new social tax on climate change. Whether or not the announcements were heard at conference, this journalist was given a copy of the PM’s speech:

I have seen Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour manifesto on housing and a social tax on personal data, and I wonder what the leader of the opposition has been smoking (smile, then look to audience for approval). London has a housing crisis, and with so many people in one place, tensions are bound to develop. It is unacceptable that the wealthy people of the capital, should have to witness, daily, what the poor have done to themselves (sad face). Their unsightly housing is a blemish on the otherwise rich tapestry of London boroughs like Kensington and Chelsea, and Westminster. We tried to make the pauper housing more aesthetically pleasing, by cladding high rise towers. We did so in a cost-efficient way, saving money, so that the wealthy weren’t squeezed too hard. And look what happened (sadder face).

So we plan to build housing for the poor underground, out of sight. There is not much of London which we can build up from, so the only way now, is down. This will solve the problem of homelessness, and ensure that wealthy tax payers aren’t troubled by those people. Out of sight, out of mind (look rad, and down with the people).

Of course, big ideas need big finance, and it is unfair to tax the top-rate taxpayers any more than they are squeezed almost beyond their means already. So another way to keep the poor underground, is with a climate tax. Quite simply, they will pay a new dynamic tax, depending on the weather. If it’s a nice, sunny day out, those people should pay to enjoy what the rich have to earn, so that they can build their mansions above ground. We might give them a rebate on really miserable days, when no-one really wants to go out anyway (check audience reaction). We could let them see a sunset or sunrise for free on bank holidays (smile sincerely).

They’ll be completely self-sufficient underground, and we’ll give them all the facilities they need: We’ve already partnered with Coral and Wetherspoons, and someone’s bound to open a Londis down there (good for the economy and ethical companies). They’ll have no problems with employment, as the wealthy residents of London will ignore planning laws on digging down, to make luxury basements in their houses. If they hit an underground poor area while they’re constructing, they can hire slaves (check audience again, then decide whether or not to mention further benefit cuts). As the owners of the land, we will give them title to all which is below their property. It’s joined-up government, with all departments working together (air punch).

We caught up with Theresa May later, to ask her about the rumours of a disagreement between her and the foreign secretary, Boris Johnson. “The foreign secretary,” she said, “is behind me, just like the rest of my cabinet.”

Johnson contacted this blog to ask, “What the fuck were you talking to the mad witch about?” Told of her comment that she valued him as a cabinet colleague, Johnson replied: “I’m just waiting for the right moment to shaft her. It’ll be like fisting the old turkey at the Bullingdon Club. Is this thing on?” We pointed out that the foreign secretary had called us, then he hung up.

Later, we caught up with some Green Party members huddled around a fire exit. “We’ll tax and regulate this stuff, and it’ll be legal, first for medicinal use, then probably for recreation. You won’t believe how much we get through in Brighton.” Asked about other policies, and whether they might be ambitious: “Yes, big ideas need big money, and we’ve found a way to make a load of new money just appear. We’re proposing a new social tax to be levied on personal data. It’s a return of power to the people, where the internet giants fund a universal basic income, solving poverty in a stroke. Between us and the Tories, the British public just need to look at these new policies and decide which works best in the long term. Do you grow this yourself?”

None of the above is true, probably.

Ryanair: “We will never eject passengers”

NEWS | SATIRE

Overcrowded Plane

Budget airline Ryanair has announced it will never eject passengers from over-booked flights, following the recent United Airlines controversy. The US carrier caused outrage when a passenger was forcefully removed from an aircraft so that a crew member could sit down.

It is common practice for airlines to over-book flights, on the assumption that a number of passengers will forget they’re going on holiday and simply not turn up at the airport. Ever keen to capitalise on anything and jump on a bandwagon, Ryanair’s boss Michael O’Leary has announced that he will abolish the need to ever eject anyone from an over-booked flight, by “finding room for everyone, somewhere.”

O’Leary, 56, went on to say: “Planes are big, except when they’re far away; and people are small, so it’s really not that difficult is it? For starters, Ryanair will never ask paying passengers to vacate a plane for our staff. We’re often short of staff, so we might ask passengers to be flight crew instead. The result? Never another cancelled flight because of staff shortages. How many people have ever dreamed of being a pilot and flying a real life plane? At Ryanair, we make dreams come true.”

Asked what the airline’s policy was on over-booking, O’Leary said: “Our passengers pay fuck all for their flights, before we add all the stealth charges on. We’ve not even announced our latest: A door policy, where customers pay an extra charge to actually get on the plane. But we will make them pay, and get them on our flights. Our customers don’t expect much. We’re pushing the CAA to licence our standing-only cabins, where passengers just hang onto a strap, like when they’re on the Tube. While we still have to waste a load of space with seats, people can sit on laps. There’s plenty of room in the aisles: We have no on-board services to speak of, so our cabin crew don’t need the aisles. Result? More room for passengers. We’re reducing the hand baggage allowance, so people with children can stuff them in the overhead compartments. And we’ve got the cargo hold. You can always fold granny up and put her in a suitcase, just so long as you buy her a ticket.”